April 9, 2006

A brand new life

Posted in Inspirations at 11:20 pm by joeychan

9th April, 2006.

One of the most memorable and special days of my life.

The first reason is because this is the day when I have started to follow the crowd to create a blog. I have decided I need one because I want to create a channel for my very close ones to know what and how I really think. I can’t behave, think nor speak properly when I am nervous, depressed, excited, shy, worried, inconfident or arrogant. Which means I can’t express myself properly 99% of my lifetime . I hope my blog will help project my thoughts clearly to those who are waiting to listen and for those who often misunderstand me from my hard-to-understand behaviour. I don’t think I will make posts regularly. But I will write when I have something to share.

And for those of you who have been listening to me patiently for the past couple of weeks should know, the second reason to why it is a special day is because I have decided to start a brand new life without this person in my life. Although it will still take some time, but I promise that I will have her out of mind, out of my world of values, out of my heart as soon as I can, because I can’t disappoint all of your patience and care just for this imaginery friend who lives in her own imaginery world and tries to force me into her world and judge me with her own royal point of view and set of values. She is outta here.

Who is she? She was a friend of mine whom I have known for the longest time. She was a friend whom I spent the most of my childhood with and we had such fun and silly times together. It was such great and unusual experience that it’s not easy for those who don’t have friends whom they have known for 30 years to imagine and understand. Although I can remember that I was often being yelled at, for having nose allergy, eating too much, etc., but I didn’t think it mattered when I looked back, and thought that it was just childhood afterall. At least it was better than being lonely at home. She was also a friend whose 30-year friendship with me, I thought would remain the same forever and we were gonna stay friends for the rest of our lives. She was a friend whom I put all my trust in all these years everytime I needed someone whom I could trust 100% to listen to and she seemed to be able to purely understand me from all the reactions that she gave me. She is also a friend whom I eventually found out one day that she’s the one who understands me the least from the way she talked behind me and from the things she made up about me. She is a friend whom I believed, whatever happened, would be the last one to do the things she had eventually done to me. She is also a friend who have disappointed me for not just one or two times but I still stupidly chose to trust her regardless of all the advice from my other friends. Finally, she is the friend who made me felt like I was slapped on the face and that I had to wake up and accept the fact that she’s not who she pretends to be. I had to wake up and leave. I had to look through the fake image she has created for herself and stop being fooled by it like the other people in her world are. Should I be happy…or should i not?

It is common that friends use the same comments they had on you when you were 10 years old to describe how you are now. At least my Toronto friends still do. :b But it doesn’t mean that she has the right to label me as how she knew me when I was 10 for the rest of my life and makes sure that the world thinks the same way as she does. I was shocked at first to know how she spoke behind me. I thought she was upset about something in particular about me that I didn’t act ready enough to listen. Since I believe that relationship is a 2-way thing and I could do better to make her feel better about me. But no matter how careful I was, it would not stop her comments she had on me in front of others. Which at this point sounded more like gossip than anything else. My consideration eventually turned into fear because I was worried if any of my words and behaviour would upset my good old friend. My heart was full of fear whenever I was interacting with her but I did not know. I still went on trying. Everytime when I was hurt and disappointed by what I heard, I took time to recover and decided to try to do better again. And unfortunately, I heard again and again and the words she used only sounded more and more hurtful, including “Joey is pregnant and I need to go to Mainland China with her for the abortion” to cover her secret trip with a guy whom all her friends hated, and “she has borrowed $1X0,000 from me for psychiatrist therapy and she still hasn’t returned the money to me” which I had no idea why she had to say it. And this wedding preparation for herself in this past half a year had helped me found the last piece of jigsaw puzzle of a picture- the picture of the real her- very clearly in front of me. And, followed by this last time she gossiped about me as a friend, I had to break it off, because there is something that I forgot. I forgot that I have a mother. And I don’t see why my mother’s daughter deserves to be in such spiritual pain. I had to walk off.

The care and love I have received from my other friends after this final incident between me and her have awaken me. I finally know whose judgement I should really care about. It’s not hers nor her friends’, but all of you who have listened to and spoken to me in these past two weeks. I have heard every of your words and I will try to pull myself out of the labyrinth she has put me in and put myself together as fast as I can. Thanx to you all and I really appreciate having such wonderful human beings existing in my life. I love you all.

Summary: A lot of my friends who have been following through the relationship between me and her suggested that she did it out of comparison and it is something very common among girls. There are so many things common between us and she had to make herself feel better and more confident by making belief that I am, in many ways, worse than her.

If you happen to be reading this, I hope that you can take a minute to think. Think about if you are doing the same thing as she did. There are many other things you can do to make yourself feel more confident- to love, to help, oh, and to be healthy, too. Please choose among the many other ways to make yourself feel better than hurting your friends by comparing and gossiping. It is hurtful and it does not reflect the facts. It only gives you imaginery results. Do something that REALLY makes you feel better for you to be genuinely proud of yourself.

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